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This Week’s Sign the Apocalypse is Near

I have four (4) SP on my roster.

Assclowns picked up Vance Worley to stream against me tonight.

Thank you.

Extra Bags, Not Actually Saget Edition: A recent 9-1-1 call from the Commonwealth of Virginia:

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Man: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are, like, two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: An ambulance is on its way. Is this her first child?

Man: No you stupid bitch. This is her husband.

New Week, New Playoff Odds

No update next week as I’ll be traveling and Blog will be on hiatus.

Shaggy falls off the cliff this week, slipping from 6/4 to 7/1. Coach comes in from 4/1 to 6/4. Dutch Boy and Swine are no longer quoted.

Team, Odds to make Playoffs (last week)

Curacao, 100% (100%)

Slumpy 80% (90%)

Mendoza 75% (70%)

Burger 65% (65%)

Saget 65% (65%)

Champion 65% (60%)

Assclowns 55% (45%) 

Coach 40% (20%)

Nookie 40% (35%)

Shaggy 13% (40%)

WNM 1%

Jose 1%


Commercial Breaks, and Game Times

Shaggy asked in another thread if TV is what slows baseball games. Turns out the answer is yes, and no. Nice article in the Boston Globe:

While 34 minutes for local games and 41 minutes for national games is bad, well… (emphasis mine):

“There are the commercial breaks, which account for at least 34 minutes on local broadcasts in a full nine-inning game (41 minutes for nationally televised games); that figure rises with pitching changes. Play doesn’t resume, of course, until the networks return from commercial breaks. Those allotments, though, have remained the same since 1990, according to baseball officials, and still game times have crept up by about 10 minutes.”

…which is bad news.

Vin Scully’s Velcro Theory, as explained in the article, is more to blame. I could be biased agreeing with that, watching Pedey and Big Papi readjust after every pitch every day, but in my comparatively short life I’ve learned that Vin Scully is usually right four times out of five.

I like the minor league rule discussed in the article: you can’t step out of the box if you didn’t swing at the preceding pitch.

There really is something to be said for soccer (ok, ok, and rugby, shut the fuck up) for just getting on with the game. Hockey too. The article makes another point, which I remember from high school fast-pitch: pitchers, at least, should want to keep the game moving to keep their fielders in the game. “Push, drag, repeat!” my ex-used to say (and yeah, she was talking about softball). 

Sawx 3, Rays 2. F(9). T: 3:22.

Headline kind of says it all. First three innings took an hour and 20 minutes, and included all Sawx scoring via a three-run blast. 80 minutes for three innings. I could just cry.

Or try to fly away to Israel. The Sawx have been slumping terribly, but I guess there have been worse times. David Laurila writes on Fan Graphs today:

“Fifty-two years ago today — July 27, 1962 – the Washington Senators swept a double-header from the Red Sox, winning 11-2 and 14-1. In Game 2, Boston starterGalen Cisco allowed 16 hits and 13 runs in five-and-a-third innings. A day earlier,Gene Conley and Pumpsie Green – reportedly under the influence of drink – disappeared from the Red Sox team bus following a 13-3 loss at Yankee Stadium. Conley was found trying to board a flight to Israel.”


Atlantic League Tries to Speed Up Games

New rules/interpretations for the Independent Loop:

Three defensive “timeouts”/game. Time out = pitching coach visit, or meeting on the mound. (Pitching changes are not timeouts, and are unlimited.) Good rule. Play ball.

Catchers get pinch runners once reaching base. Cannot see MLB ever borrowing it. Not sure how much this will actually help either. Goal is to avoid stranded base-running catchers having to trot back to dugout to don tools of ignorance. OK, but if you put a base-stealer on first, pitcher will be looking over and throwing over more.

Warm-up pitches reduced from eight to six. No big deal.

Intentional Walks immediately concede first base by telling ump “we’re putting him on”. Pitcher does not need to lob pitches in to get to four balls. Hallelujah!

Umpires directed to call strike zone as written, to enforce 12-second rule on pitches, to stop letting batters step out after every pitch. Good ideas; good luck.

ESPN (pay subscription) via Deadspin (free):

Extra Bags, Bullpen Music Edition: Watching Sawx–Rays last night, I was amused by the road team pitching change anthem. “Hit the Road, Jack” is fairly common around MLB, but Tampa’s gone with the rather wittier 1969 BJ Thomas pop tune “Hooked on a Feeling”.

A Call for Two Catchers

Now’s as good a time as any to put this out there: a one-catcher format remains one of this league’s greatest flaws.

I lost Matt Wieters to injury ages ago after he gave me 104 AB. I still don’t have another catcher with 100. I’m in first place by a mile.

Mendoza thinks so little of the catcher position, he didn’t draft one. Last year’s double-winner, who must know a thing or two about strategy, picked up an extra lottery ticket elsewhere and figured he’d just cut whoever didn’t pan out and pick up the 14th-ish best catcher on Opening Day. Russell Martin (Let’s Go Bucs!) has given him 136 AB.

Unless we go to two catchers, we run the risk of relegating them to baseball’s equivalent of the fantasy football kicker. 


Tragic, Tasty Injury

With the Sawx in T.O. and my NESN feed blacked out (fuck you, Extra Innings) I’ve spent the last few days taking in the Pirates series victory over the Dodgers. Let’s go Bucs! Last night’s fourth inning Pierogi Race was marred by Cheese Chester falling and breaking his foot. Though Root Sports had a tape of the incident, the following footage is courtesy WWE, the only news source GCBL Blog trusts (more on that later).

The Pirates have announced that Cheese Chester is out 6-8 weeks with a broken foot. He’ll be replaced by Potato Pete from the next home game on August 5. Potato Pete has been in retirement since 2001 but would be a hot betting favourite in his return to the warning track if we took bets on this, but we don’t (more on that too).


–The Twitterverse is all over the place on this one. #prayforcheesechester is trending. Many folks are offering get well wishes. On the other hand, as Root Sports scrolled the tweets last night, some people thought it was comical and one cold tweet read “Stick a fork in @CheeseChester: he’s done!” 

–Conspiracy theories already abound that the injury was staged, wrasslin’ style. Cheese Chester got the injury while turning around to taunt the other pierogis. The injury came on the last night of a home stand, allowing Chester to lose the title (in wrasslin’, we call that “dropping the strap”) so he can go race in another area (in wrasslin’ promotion terms, “another territory”). Although this footage doesn’t clearly show it, the lady doctor (according to, “pierogiologist”) put her stethoscope on Chester’s knee. Pirates colour man Bob Walk tried covering that up by saying “well, that’s where the pierogi’s heart is: they have one in each leg”. Not sure I’m buying it.

–Furthermore, we’re not taking bets on any pierogi races these days because, in 2010, it was revealed that pierogi races in Pittsburgh are fixed:

I’ve got enough shit to worry about with Italian soccer, so never mind the heartburn crooked pierogis can cause. And before reading the article, I never knew that Jalapeño Hannah was such a cheating cunt. 

–The incident conveniently let Buccos’ [play-by-play man Greg Brown off the hook. Brown had spent the previous couple innings taking serious ribbing over reminiscing about the previous night’s interview with “outgoing Baseball Commissioner Bowie Kuhn”. Both broadcast partner Walk and the infamous Boys in the Truck refused to let it go. Until Cheese Chester ate it, that is.   

–My wife says that these particular Pierogis are Ukrainian, so it’s only a matter of time before Russian President Vladimir Putin gets blamed for the injury.

–Lastly, Curacao Littleleague Assistant GM and former Pirate Randall Simon just wants it out there that he had absolutely nothing to do with this. Simon once whacked the Italian sausage with a bat in Milwaukee’s similarly themed Sausage Race. Simon was suspended three games by MLB and pled guilty to Disorderly Conduct, paying a $432 fine. Worse, Simon’s ex-gf on Curacao edited the English-language daily, and led with the headline “Randall Simon Beats Meat in Public”. So there it is Randall, this one’s not on you. Randall has asked that we temporarily change our team name to “Pray for Cheese Chester”. 

You got it Randall. We all understand the situation. Potato dumplings aren’t supposed to bend that way.


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