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Stop reading this Goddamn blog. Right now. Just stop.

June 3, 2014

I created this blog as a repository for my private thoughts. Well, David Ortiz and the Ayatollah Khomeni pop in from time to time, but that’s it. (Ok, that’s not completely true: Papi mostly ghosts the Ayatollah’s posts.) But now my own words in here are being used against me–specifically, thwarting me from making trades.

Lately, I’ve been trying to acquire a third baseman. In the last 48 hours alone, look at what I’ve had to deal with:

First, I tried to trade Jose Quintana to Shaggy for Nick Castellanos. No deal, as Shaggy writes: “Not high on Quintana and I think this kid should break out. At least your blog tells me he will.”

Moving on, I tried to trade Matt Cain to Nookie for Kyle Seager (before Seager’s 12 TB last night in case you’re curious). No deal, says Nookie: “I thought you just railed me for having too much pitching and not enough bats? And now you want to take a bat from me for another arm? Dude, you are killing me.”

Fuck me. So I’m so fucking desperate I try to get ahold of Dutch Boy. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried trading with Dutch Boy, but I’d expect it’d be easier to buy a ham sandwich, a bottle of vodka, and a blow job at Mecca. Dutch Boy would be interested, but he and Nookie were looking at a blog post from last week and he thought, using the blog as a guide, he might have the makings of a deal. And he can only negotiate with one person at once. Because, of course, he can only negotiate with one person at once.

So last night I ran Mike Fucking Moustakas. 

Show yourselves out.



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