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WARNING: Blog Consumer Advisory

June 4, 2014

Some things apparently need spelling out. Aside from this blog’s tagline having always been “white lies, damned lies, and statistics” (go ahead, look up at the top of the page) we sometimes take creative licence here in an effort to be funny or to try to prove a point. This may include, but is not limited to, sarcasm, gross exaggeration, and absurdity. As I’m not the skilled writer I wish I was, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s not obvious that I’m not completely serious. So, among other things:

1) The Ayatollah Khomeini does not actually write the preseason draft guide. He does not play in a 5×5 “Death to American League Only” roto pay league. Today happens to be the 25th anniversary of his death. He’s up in heaven enjoying his 72 virgins (all named Omar).

2) When I write in a trade analysis that one side got “a bag of magic beans”, “presumably a hand job”, “a Hobbit hummer” etc., what I’m trying to say is that I find the deal ridiculously lopsided and/or that one owner is a moron. I am not actually claiming that any physical beans were proffered or that any sexual favours were actually exchanged.

3) When I comment that Mendoza’s total of exactly 666 hits on the season “is the Mark of the Beast. An exorcism will fix it. Trade E5 to Dutch Boy for Conor Gillaspie and Adeiny Hechavarria (101 H and 0 HR between them, both starting tonight), and we’re done here”, I’m not actually suggesting we perform an exorcism. (The Ayatollah might, but we’ve been over that: his presence here is not real.) Furthermore, I’m not suggesting Mendoza would actually do that deal. So Jesus, Dutch Boy, when you offered him that trade, don’t be surprised when he rejected it.

Corollary: I own no monopoly on bad sarcasm. So although Mendoza continues to imply in his weekly Commish notes that Nookie and I are the same guy, that’s not true either. So stop asking, or I’m going to lose my goddamn mind. I’m already eating anti-depressants as if they were Pez*, so cut me some slack.

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*I am on anti-depressants, but do you see what I did here when I write that I eat them like candy? Hints: 1), 2), 3). 

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