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Jose Quintana: Captain Obvious

June 9, 2014

Image     More useful than any spy not played by Keri Russell on TV.

Hunter S. Thompson wrote that “when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro”. Married to a Russian spy, my dinner conversations tend toward the … pro. Last night’s argument was over whether spies are useful in international diplomacy. She said sure, you need to know what the other side will do. I said horseshit–you just need analysts to tell you if the other side is predictable. If they’re predictable, don’t waste your spies because you can figure out what they’ll do anyway; if they’re crazy, spies can’t help because, well, the other side can change its mind any minute…so either way just let the spies spend their time breaking into factories and hacking computers.

Every foreign country in the world should be as predictable as my boy, Jose Quintana.

Jose Quintana, 2014: 13 starts, 3.59 ERA, 1.34 WHIP, 2.64 K/BB

That’s serviceable. You kind of wish the WHIP was lower, but I got him #309 overall, so hey. What have I done with him?

Jose Quintana, Curacao Littleleague: 6 starts, all quality starts, 2.11 ERA, 1.12 WHIP, 2.38 K/BB

OK, sure, he’s only on pace to give me half a season of stats, but it’s half a Cy Young Award.

The best part is, I haven’t managed his starts with any real skill. Against the bad teams, he starts. Dodgers, Halos, Tigers, Rangers…you’re the #309th pick Son, grab some pine and wait. And it actually works. It just works.

Nothing’s worse than the pitcher who two-hits the Tigers on your bench, then starts for you against the Cubs and gets run in the third inning. Quintana is not that guy. He does exactly what he’s supposed to. He’s the stock that behaves exactly as it should. He’s the weatherman who’s actually right. He’s the spy who knows when to come in from the cold. 


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