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Outgoing Mail: (Don’t) Meet Me in (East) St. Louis

June 18, 2014

Hey Saget,
how about giving us an update on Project BOLUS…
…and anything else on your mind?

Hi CL,

I am currently in a shithole called Harrisburg, Illinois providing free dentistry to the locals courtesy of the US Army Reserves via Team Obama.  I work 12 hour shifts 6 days a week on some of the craziest, bipolar, herpes-infested, ruthless, toothless, pants-shittin’, obese all-stars of life that Southern illinois has to offer.  My quest started last Friday when the Puerto Rican barely-English-speaking army private from our “sister” reserve unit assisting us with our “mission” forgot to pick me up at the St. Louis airport. 5 hours later after picking me up, the Puerto Rican brainiac decided to “go around” traffic and cut through the wonderful community of East St. Louis…..aka, murder capital of the USA. I felt like I was in a Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome movie.”Yea, as I walk through the valley of death”… plus some hail Mary’s….and ducking below the seats saved us and we made it out of Hell and into Hades aka Harrisburg…..I’m tired but lets give it a shot.

My team is winning ugly and I am worried a deadline deal will fuck up my bolus handcuff. Happy im in playoff contention, but not banking on a 1st rd bye. Iwill breathe a sigh of relief when trade deadline passes, soriano starts hitting, team stays healthy and if and when I leave Harrisburg…..preferably without contracting Tuberculosis.


Editor’s Note: I taught a quarter (half a semester to us Canadians) in E. St. Louis. Scary place. People tried to mug me three times. Once, one of my students tried to mug me, but his classmate talked him out of it.

Extra Bags, Name-Dropping Edition: I’ve crossed paths with Gabe Kaplan professionally. Bunch of us were sitting around and Gabe asked me what I did before getting into the business. Prof I said, and I told him I once had a really tough teaching assignment–but I tried to take inspiration from his character, Mr. Kotter, and use his humour in class. He asked how bad and I told a couple stories, including the one about the kid who tried to mug me. Gabe says “Shit that sounds a lot worse than Brooklyn. Sounds like E. St. Louis or something.”


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