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Cubs Acquire Doubront for Late Push

July 30, 2014

The Chicago Cubs acquired Felix Doubront (2-4, 6.07 ERA, 1.60 WHIP) from the Boston Red Sox in a late season gambit to finish last and have the first overall selection in next June’s amateur draft. 

“The Rangers are three games worse than us in the standings so if we’re going to do something, it’s now or never,” said Cubs GM Theo Epstein. “Running Doubront out there every fifth day can only help us lose.”

“It’s not just the pick,” added Epstein. “It’s the slot money. We’ll low-ball some inbred high-school hump from Lower Left Bumfuck Alabama, and have extra money to sign the guys we really want. That worked for the Astros this year–…oh.”

Headed back the other way to Boston is cash and a player to be named later. “That’s up in the air,” continued Epstein, “but I seriously hope the PTBNL is Felix Doubront.”

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