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Mailbag: Very Special Episode

April 12, 2015

yuri-gagarin

(In Soviet Russia, Adrian Beltre drafts YOU.)

It’s Cosmos Day in the former Soviet Union. Seriously. Those countries celebrate their space-exploration achievements every April 12, the day Yuri Gagarin (pictured) flew into space. To commemorate, we publish a letter from someone clearly just visiting our planet.

CL,

Adrian Beltre was O-Ranked in the second round, so that makes him a second round pick. We both know that’s bullshit so I need to move him… BUT YOU WRECKED THE MARKET. HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

Anonymous

Dear Frodo,

Next to Svetlana, like spoons.

But I didn’t wreck your market. I’m trying to help you out, little fella. I posted a poll trying to figure out if anybody saw Beltre as second round value. One person voted that way… but I’m thinking that’s you.

Anyway, when I’m trying to put deals together with other people I’m also thinking of you. I’m always asking “well, if THIS deal doesn’t quite work, what if I could pack in Adrian Beltre?”

Collected answers:

“No.”

“I’d rather have Moustakas off your roster, and Moustakas is fucking terrible.”

“Why don’t you also give me the cancer that killed Adrian Beltre’s great-aunt?”

“If Adrian Beltre gets traded to Korea, and I get to keep his stats, AND he stars in the bisexual baseball porn movie ‘Switch Hitter 7’, well, maybe, but you can’t have any of my Baltimore guys. Not even the Chinese one.”

Anyway, look. You keep trying, I’ll keep trying, and we’ll get Beltre off your roster soon.

Hugs,

CL

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