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The Book came up Short. The Hobbit, not so much.

July 6, 2015

DrTatiana

Congratulations are in order as Frodo and Mrs. Frodo are anticipating the incredibly heavy patter of rather oversized feet. Exciting stuff.

We consulted Olivia Judson’s great book on sexual biology for advice on Hobbit reproductive practices (pictured above–if you have even a passing interest in biology it’s the best pop-bio book of our generation, simply outstanding).

Sadly, there was nothing in the text about our sawed-off humanoid friends…perhaps the perfect excuse for Ms. Judson to write an expanded second edition.

The myth to be investigated, of course, is that the male and female hobbit gestate the foetus for equal time periods. This would explain some of Frodo’s recent bizarre behaviour, but as Saget points out, not all: While some of his patterns go along with hormone change, a craving for pickles, ice cream, and chocolate sauce,  and morning sickness, Frodo’s overall demeanour is less consistent with a bloated womb and moreso with having something lodged up his arse.

There is, naturally, some jealousy from this writer. Svetlana and I tried to go down this road, and it didn’t work out. (The having a child thing, not the male pregnancy thing–although when people look at me, they sometimes ask.)

We hope the ensuing months pass without incident, but advise the happy couple to take all precautions required: if the child is really to be born in Calgary, there’s an extremely elevated risk of acute redness of neck.

In the mean time, this blog will ceasefire until next year of any and all mocking of Frodo, given his potentially delicate condition.

Ah, fuck that. We’ll be back at it tomorrow. Like Dutch Boy asked today, what the hell else would I write about?

FrodoBaby

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