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Coachin’ Up the Coach Bracket

September 10, 2017

Bah, had to turn off CNN. Some Cuban begging for money for Hurricane relief. Jackass had three boats on his lawn for god’s sake. Screw that rich bastard.

Anyway, I was thinking (very briefly) about this year’s Coach Bracket teams and what they needed to do to make the playoffs next year. Here’s what each needs to do differently:

Nookie: Trade more. And if you’ve got a chip like Sale who you want to move, trade him at peak value–don’t wait til late July where you get 75 cents on the dollar.

Dutch Boy: Beg Steve for advice, every single day. Beg. And take his advice, even if you can’t quite grasp it. You may think he’s just some dummy who works at the dump, but he has a masters in Chemistry and two years of calculus: Steve gets the math of fantasy baseball quite easily, and since you don’t, you should get the help of someone who does.

Bautista Baby: Keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll be fine. Rookies struggle in this league the first year, but you look like you’re figuring it out.

Saget: OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES ON THURSDAY. You wanna stream? Fine. But when it actually fucking works in the first half of the week, shut it down and bank a huge victory. Don’t punch yourself out and piss ratio categories away.

Cash Bail: Kim, baby, I love you. And I love the Sawx. And you love the Sawx. And they’re going to be awesome next year again as all the Bs get a year older. But you know what? Draft the Sawx! Don’t overpay for them halfway through the season. Get them in March when all the dumb Blue Jays fans in our league are devaluing them.

Coach: You’re lucky Jose’s in the league to keep you in the top-12 most years. Can’t help you, sorry.

 

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